...and back again...

Well as always the poor old blog is out of date....nice to see that some things never change...:-)

So. I left Churchill. I left on a Saturday evening on the train. I left with tears running down my face, cried for the first 3 hours on the train and then slept for the next 10 ( well there had been a LOT of partying that week!!) Poor Inge, my fellow volunteer, thought that she was getting some good company to Thompson- she was sadly misinformed. I've left a lot of places in the last 2 years with a lump in my throat but never with such bitter sadness as I felt when leaving Churchill. Ladies and gentlemen, I finally found the place that I want to be.....

Well that's easier said than done but more on THAT in the next post. This one is about returning home. I spent some time in Sainte Rita house sitting for the completely awesome Roger and Dawn before crossing the pond for the first time in 2 years to get to Heathrow airport. The journey from there to Auntie Mary's house in Greater London was enough to fill a book on its own (trust me, travel in darkest Africa was easier than that!!) But it was all worth it to see Mary again for the first time in 3 years. I spent 10 very laid back days at her house, talking with her and watching a whole lotta movies and cooking and eating and drinking wine. Then I boarded the train (BTW conversation between me and British Rail...Me "Hello I'm calling to check that the train from Kings Cross is still running tomorrow [Christmas Eve] to Edinburgh." BR Employee sucks his breath in through his teeth..."Not too sure about that love- we've had a bit of snow you know.." Me "Oh its not that bad surely?" BR Employee " Yes love we've had at least 3 inches. And its -1 so its pretty cold!" Me" Oh for Gods sake!!! You know in CHURCHILL...hello? Hello?") to head home. None of the family knew that I was coming so that made the journey home pretty exciting. It was the strangest feeling looking out of the window and knowing that I was officially back on British soil. The snow had been pretty heavy and it was beautiful over all the fields and dales. Finally I got off at Edinburgh Waverly and decided that I was going to the BFF's house first, since thats where the kids are. I hesitated for just a moment on Princes Street- did the No 26 still go to Clermiston? But it did and the bus fare had only gone up by 20p so on I jumped. Looking out of the windows I was surprised to see that everything looked exactly as it had when I had left 2 years before. And yet why was I surprised? Had I really expected everything to be so different? The answer was clearly yes and yet I would be hard pushed to tell you what I thought should be so different....

The whole time that I was home was like that. Nothing had really changed and yet I felt that I didn't really fit in. Therefore obviously it was me that had changed. We had a lovely Christmas, it was great to see the family again, the kids were excited to see me and my worst fears that they would not recognise me never materialised. And yet the whole time I felt as though I was a stranger looking in from the outside. It didn't help that more than half of me was back in Churchill- thinking about all the people that I had left behind there, wondering what they were doing at that moment, recalling my happy and sad times, feeling the itch deep down in my feet and my soul that told me that it was time to get moving, I had been here long enough.

I'll just take a moment here to reflect in general on my travels and all of the things that I've learned. It would take days to record them all in detail here so I'll just touch on the salient points...

I'm a stronger person than I thought I was in some ways. I CAN cope with things that are unexpected and that are thrown my way. Broken down camper van? No problem! Delayed flight? Easy! Mugging on the street? Harder, but definitely do-able. Insensitive roommates? Thats what earphones are for! Practical matters I can certainly do. Matters of the heart are where I am lacking- but more on that later.
I'm not as nice a person as I thought I was. Maybe because I was paying more attention to myself than I would normally, but I noticed a definite selfish streak. And the capability to be mean. And treat people like shit. Which I would never have acknowledged as a trait before now.
I'm sad a lot of the time. And its lonelier being in a crowd of people sometimes than it is being on your own.
I feel pain in a way that no one else seems to. I've had a lot of time to reflect on the pain both past and present in the last 2 years and I've come to the conclusion that I'm waaaaay sensitive. Sometimes thats a good thing- often its bad. One more thing that needs work in the future...
Material possessions just weigh you down, both in your body and in your heart and soul. Get rid of them. Now. You won't regret it.
I find it hard to be still. In my body and in my mind. Clearing my mind is impossible for me to do. And sitting still and doing nothing is hard. Easier than it used to be but still hard!
I have issues from the past that I need to address. I've procrastinated about that long enough.
People and friends are important. I knew that before but I never KNEW it in the way that I do now.
No matter how tough things have been, no matter how shitty you think your life has been, there's someone that's had it tougher. And still smiles about it.

There's lots more, both philosophical and practical but its silly to try and record them. Better to just hang on to the lessons learned and to try to implement them. Hopefully in the travelling to be done in the future.....

Finally I was able to pack that bag and get on that plane and head on back to Churchill. I was supposed to be going back to a job and hopefully a work permit. With the wonderful 20 20 vision that is hindsight, I can see so clearly now that I knew even then that was not to be. But I didn't care. I was going back to the land where my heart lies and that was all that mattered....