Spring, sprung, sprang!!

Spring in Churchill. I've talked about this already in my previous posts. But I have to say more about it and the feeling of this season returning to this previously frozen and icy land. I love Churchill in all of its guises- with snow on the tundra, with ice in the pools, with the blazing colours of fall, with the blowing blizzardy snow. But the returning of spring and of life is something special to behold. It started with the return of the brown to the ptarmigan. These cute little birds are all white in the winter- obviously so that they can blend in with the snow and hide from predators. They are also very precocious and will walk out fearlessly in front of you as you walk or run along the path.
Next came the Canada geese. These are large, long bodied birds, which are regarded as pretty good hunting in this area. They are tremendously noisy and honk loudly as they fly or run across the tundra. But the most exciting thing thus far is the return of the snow geese. These are smaller than the Canadas, white with black tips although some of them are "blue" all over. They fly over Churchill in huge numbers, always in a straight line or in a traditional V shape. Hundreds fly over at any one time and its a truly breathtaking spectacle. Add to this the return of colour to the tundra, the smell of the open sea as the bay begins to break up and the noise of the birds and frogs that has returned to this once silent land, and you begin to have an idea of whats going on.


With the better weather (+19 yesterday!!) comes a variety of different pursuits, with various people. One of my friends here, Krista, had her field assistant with her, Joleen, who had never been to Churchill before. So we trotted into town along with fellow friend Geoff. Fun was had going around all the gift shops that were open, trying to get to LaDunes castle, looking out over the bay and walking on the sea ice (or in my case falling on the sea ice!) We hung on the inuksuit in town and had coffee at that Churchill institution, Gypsys.
The following week we headed out to the shooting range for some training and target practice. With the return of spring and soon, summer, we have to be ever more vigilant for polar bears and particularly for the researchers who will be out in the field, a little savvy with firearms. So LeeAnn showed us how to manage the 12 gauge shotgun and Carley was kind enough to bring along her beautiful .22 and allow us all to have some target practice with it. The kick back from the shotgun was tremendous and I still have the bruises to prove it but fun was certainly had!

The funnest time that I have had recently was heading out to the fen with Krista, who is great to hang out with and fast becoming a dear friend. Her research project is on methane production in northern wetlands so her site is set up at the fen, a boggy wetland about 20 minutes drive from the study centre. The first day I went out with her in the afternoon and the evening. We took the quad and bombed easily along the road,getting to the fen in record time. On the way back I leaned back on the quad and gazed up into the blue blue spring sky. Flocks of snow geese were flying over head, the wind was in my face and the sun was warm. The snow was crisp and we were making great time. Best of all I was outside and it was beautiful. Does life get any more perfect than this?
The next day we got slightly stuck on the way out there, because the temps had risen just enough to make the snow slushy and hard for the quad to stay on top of. But it wasnt too much of a problem and we made it to the site. We were only there about 20 minutes and most of that is walking through the fen to get to the site. However, it was long enough to allow the snow to melt even more and then we really started to experience difficulties!!! The quad insisted on getting stuck in the extremely deep, and extremely soft snow! We could get no further than about 6 feet without getting stuck. We tried digging it out, we tried walking beside it, pushing it- nothing worked. Eventually in frustration we drove the quad into the fen to avoid all the sticky snow and took it to a part of the road that was clearer. Even then we had to dig trenches from the fen to the road, we got stuck once more and also had to do some walking a bit further on. But here's the thing- I HAD A BLAST!! I've possibly never had so much fun in my entire life! Of course it was hard work with much sweat put out and there were a few times when I would have sold my soul for just one drink of water. But it was beautiful weather out and I enjoyed the fresh air and the exertion. We had to keep a close eye out for bears but with one digging and one bear guarding that wasn't too much of a problem. FUN!!!! :-)

So that's been my week. I've made no secret of the fact that recently I've been living with some levels of despair, and that I've been saddened and alone. My heart is no where near being healed and I still have not managed to move on. But at least with good times and good friends like these, I'm reminded that life is always worth living, that good times always come after the bad, that its always darkest before the dawn. I hope that my dawn is about to begin.


Photos clockwise from top left- snow geese return to Churchill, shovelling snow to get the quad out, pretending to be all badass on a trip to the fen, shooting Bazs' .22 at the range, me with Krista and Jo in town.

The sweetness and the bittersweetness

I came back to Churchill. Shortly after I got there I knew that I was no longer going to be working there and staying there. My boss was crazy and abusive and I simply decided that I would not and could not put up with working with that kind of person. I've suffered plenty of abuse in my life, and now its time to stop. I'm too old to be putting up with it any more...
So that was upsetting. I was sad as it seemed like my only chance to be in Churchill more permanently. But I was lucky enough to be permitted to return to the wonderful study centre and be a volunteer for a while again. This stint in the centre was much harder than before. The cook that I was working with seemed to take an instant dislike to me- and I can't say I was all that crazy about her either!! So there was a tension in the kitchen that I was not used to. I was also very adapted to working with Rob and Audrey- 2 people who were relaxed and easy going and who constantly appreciated any work or effort that was done for them, and this time that was not the case. So that was difficult. The centre was also very very quiet- very few people around, no other volunteers....I've come to realise how important fellow volunteers are while I've been travelling. They are people to work with and to play with, people to laugh and cry with, people to whom you can reveal your heart, or have a screaming match with. But most importantly they are the only other people who can appreciate the experience that you are having. Because they are having a similar one themselves. They know how it feels to be the person on the outside, the person that perhaps others don't make so much of an effort to get to know, since you are only going to leave anyway. They appreciate how confusing it can be to have workers responsibilities but none of the workers rights. And they understand a bit more about how it is to have such a cultural gap, which makes for a very interesting life. They are important people and I've realised that afresh with every new experience.

But the sweetness was coming back to Churchill at all. And coming back to the centre to spend time with people that I know and love and admire and respect. Even though I spent a lot of time on my own, it was still good to be here. The sweetness was going out running in the mornings with Silver as a bear guard, enjoying the clear resounding boom of the winter blue sky above me. The sweetness was stopping for just a few seconds on each run to listen and hear nothing. And to be able to just enjoy the silence with no vehicles destroying the peace. To be able to look out at the bay and marvel anew at the fact that the sea- the moving, restless sea!!- is frozen over and motionless. To marvel at the size of the snow drifts after a 3 day blizzard. To go snowmobiling with my friends and hear them laugh and spend time with them. The sweetness is to witness, for the first time, the return of the spring to this frozen land. To see and hear the geese as they pair up for spring mating. To see the ptarmigan turn from white to brown again. To feel the sun on my face. To hear the silence of winter turn to the busy calls of the birds as they return.

The bittersweetness. Ah. Thats a different story. That was knowing that Churchill also held the person who I have become too attached to. Knowing that after I split up with the last person I loved, 4 years ago, I was fairly certain that I was incapable of loving anyone again. And finding out when I came to Churchill that I was wrong. But that it was not to be, now or next year. I was happy to discover that I can still love and be in love. But that is truly bittersweet when you know that it won't be returned. That once again you must be on the outside looking in what you want most in the world. Also knowing that I must leave the person I care for and the land that I love most in the world, and return to my own country which I can no longer call home. And hope with all my heart to return. At some point soon.

...and back again...

Well as always the poor old blog is out of date....nice to see that some things never change...:-)

So. I left Churchill. I left on a Saturday evening on the train. I left with tears running down my face, cried for the first 3 hours on the train and then slept for the next 10 ( well there had been a LOT of partying that week!!) Poor Inge, my fellow volunteer, thought that she was getting some good company to Thompson- she was sadly misinformed. I've left a lot of places in the last 2 years with a lump in my throat but never with such bitter sadness as I felt when leaving Churchill. Ladies and gentlemen, I finally found the place that I want to be.....

Well that's easier said than done but more on THAT in the next post. This one is about returning home. I spent some time in Sainte Rita house sitting for the completely awesome Roger and Dawn before crossing the pond for the first time in 2 years to get to Heathrow airport. The journey from there to Auntie Mary's house in Greater London was enough to fill a book on its own (trust me, travel in darkest Africa was easier than that!!) But it was all worth it to see Mary again for the first time in 3 years. I spent 10 very laid back days at her house, talking with her and watching a whole lotta movies and cooking and eating and drinking wine. Then I boarded the train (BTW conversation between me and British Rail...Me "Hello I'm calling to check that the train from Kings Cross is still running tomorrow [Christmas Eve] to Edinburgh." BR Employee sucks his breath in through his teeth..."Not too sure about that love- we've had a bit of snow you know.." Me "Oh its not that bad surely?" BR Employee " Yes love we've had at least 3 inches. And its -1 so its pretty cold!" Me" Oh for Gods sake!!! You know in CHURCHILL...hello? Hello?") to head home. None of the family knew that I was coming so that made the journey home pretty exciting. It was the strangest feeling looking out of the window and knowing that I was officially back on British soil. The snow had been pretty heavy and it was beautiful over all the fields and dales. Finally I got off at Edinburgh Waverly and decided that I was going to the BFF's house first, since thats where the kids are. I hesitated for just a moment on Princes Street- did the No 26 still go to Clermiston? But it did and the bus fare had only gone up by 20p so on I jumped. Looking out of the windows I was surprised to see that everything looked exactly as it had when I had left 2 years before. And yet why was I surprised? Had I really expected everything to be so different? The answer was clearly yes and yet I would be hard pushed to tell you what I thought should be so different....

The whole time that I was home was like that. Nothing had really changed and yet I felt that I didn't really fit in. Therefore obviously it was me that had changed. We had a lovely Christmas, it was great to see the family again, the kids were excited to see me and my worst fears that they would not recognise me never materialised. And yet the whole time I felt as though I was a stranger looking in from the outside. It didn't help that more than half of me was back in Churchill- thinking about all the people that I had left behind there, wondering what they were doing at that moment, recalling my happy and sad times, feeling the itch deep down in my feet and my soul that told me that it was time to get moving, I had been here long enough.

I'll just take a moment here to reflect in general on my travels and all of the things that I've learned. It would take days to record them all in detail here so I'll just touch on the salient points...

I'm a stronger person than I thought I was in some ways. I CAN cope with things that are unexpected and that are thrown my way. Broken down camper van? No problem! Delayed flight? Easy! Mugging on the street? Harder, but definitely do-able. Insensitive roommates? Thats what earphones are for! Practical matters I can certainly do. Matters of the heart are where I am lacking- but more on that later.
I'm not as nice a person as I thought I was. Maybe because I was paying more attention to myself than I would normally, but I noticed a definite selfish streak. And the capability to be mean. And treat people like shit. Which I would never have acknowledged as a trait before now.
I'm sad a lot of the time. And its lonelier being in a crowd of people sometimes than it is being on your own.
I feel pain in a way that no one else seems to. I've had a lot of time to reflect on the pain both past and present in the last 2 years and I've come to the conclusion that I'm waaaaay sensitive. Sometimes thats a good thing- often its bad. One more thing that needs work in the future...
Material possessions just weigh you down, both in your body and in your heart and soul. Get rid of them. Now. You won't regret it.
I find it hard to be still. In my body and in my mind. Clearing my mind is impossible for me to do. And sitting still and doing nothing is hard. Easier than it used to be but still hard!
I have issues from the past that I need to address. I've procrastinated about that long enough.
People and friends are important. I knew that before but I never KNEW it in the way that I do now.
No matter how tough things have been, no matter how shitty you think your life has been, there's someone that's had it tougher. And still smiles about it.

There's lots more, both philosophical and practical but its silly to try and record them. Better to just hang on to the lessons learned and to try to implement them. Hopefully in the travelling to be done in the future.....

Finally I was able to pack that bag and get on that plane and head on back to Churchill. I was supposed to be going back to a job and hopefully a work permit. With the wonderful 20 20 vision that is hindsight, I can see so clearly now that I knew even then that was not to be. But I didn't care. I was going back to the land where my heart lies and that was all that mattered....